Who is a true friend? Part II

Now, this is long and I apologize for the length. The previous post is a back story to a current point in my life.  Six years ago I joined a social organization and made a lot of new friends. I had a rule that I wouldn't date for a year so it was all about making friends. Even though I was on the quieter side I was able to relate to people and had a packed social life.  I was able to mix within a lot of different groups but I became really close with 4 girls.  It was the second time in my life where I had close girlfriends.  For most of my life my close friends had been guys.  One of the girls (L), who we considered ourselves best friends, started dating a friend of my boyfriend T (friends for a year and then started dating).  L knew how upset I was that my ex had forced our mutual friends to choose which one of us they would remain friends with.

L and my boyfriend's friend dated for 5 years.  They broke up.  Throughout the time 2 of the other girls (K & H) in our group had had a lot of clashing with L as L had a lot of flaws and insecurities.  Every time something would happen I would stick up for L and H & K to put themselves in her shoes. Often times, I wouldn't understand myself but I believe in believing the best in a person.

On a side note, I lived with L for two years.  Often times she would comment on how I was one of the nicest people she knew and she was one of the "witchiest" people she knew.  I never thought of her as witchy, just more misunderstood and with more social flaws than others.  The main issue H & K had with L was she was a person who defined herself by whether or not she was with a guy.

At one point L was pretty excited because her boyfriend was going to move in.  Then, she got cold feet, and decided he couldn't move into her house (it was understandable because they had been having problems).  A little while later L stopped talking to her boyfriend (F). Around the same time my boyfriend was buying a house and her boyfriend (F) offered to help mine move.  Since my boyfriend had been friends with F for quite a bit longer my boyfriend took F up on the offer and was happy to have the help.  Unfortunately, when L found out that her boyfriend was one of the guys who helped my boyfriend move she was furious with me and my boyfriend. I tried to explain that my boyfriend needed help, they had been friends for a long time and it was something friends often helped with.  She was still mad and she was mad at me for being there while her boyfriend was there (I was also helping move.  L had stopped talking to F so she assumed that meant that we all knew that meant she was breaking up with him even though he still they thought they were dating. We thought they were still dating as they would often go through weeks without talking to each other.

Two months later they rekindled their relationship. He was going to move into her house and I decided to move in with my boyfriend (guess it was about time after so long).  It was winter and we live in a very cold state so I didn't want to ask many people for help.  My father, brother, and boyfriend offered to help. That morning my friend's boyfriend offered to help as he learned it was the four of us and I took him up on the offer.  An hour later I got a nasty text from my friend pretty much saying that her boyfriend should not be helping me move and made me feel horrible.  I didn't understand why- they were dating and things were going well, he's a friend of mine, and a friend of my boyfriend. Since I was moving from her place I didn't want to cause any trouble so I told him I had enough help (even though it wasn't true). I felt awful about lying.   My dad, brother, boyfriend and I all came to get my stuff and my friend (roommate) went in her room and didn't come out for the rest of the day.  The weather got bad and we needed to get stuff out faster. My 9 month pregnant sister, her husband, and daughter came to help-don't worry, my sister didn't do any lifting, just directing :). They were not impressed with her and I pretty much cried for the rest of the day. I had no idea why taking her boyfriend up on the offer made her upset. I felt awful that my pregnant sister came out in awful weather with her family to help me move- especially so last minute.  My sister, who knows L, couldn't understand why L wouldn't even come out and say hi.  I had no explanation as I was just as clueless, frustrated, and sad.  My only guess was that L and F broke up- again.

The next day L posted a picture of her and her boyfriend out on a date. I'm not usually blunt or upfront but I was really confused.  I had spent all of the moving day and night crying because I upset L.  I texted her and asked why she was so upset that I had originally taken her boyfriend up on the offer of him helping me move.  She told me she was having a bad day and was crying about a previous ex and she didn't want F to see her cry (did I mention they had been dating for 5 years?).

Two days later I got a text from her boyfriend (K) asking me to make sure I keep in touch with L because L had told him she holed herself up in her room the day I moved because she was afraid of losing me-friendship wise.  Now, what is the truth?  I just said I'm good at keeping in contact with people and she doesn't have to worry.  She's usually pretty honest with me so I'm pretty sure he was the one being lied to.  Or, maybe it was a mixture of both.

I tried to keep in contact with her through text, e-mail, and phone calls. But, her responses were pretty brief. Until....

Who is a true friend? Part 1

Who is a true friend? Personally, I think that every person has a different answer. To me, a true friend is someone who is honest with you, understands your flaws, and stands by you during the good and rough times. Lately, I'm learning that some I thought were true friends don't even come near that category and others are more true friends than I could have imagined.

7 years ago I went through one of the hardest times in my life.  I had been married for 3 years and with my husband for a total of 10 years. One day I received a text message stating he wasn't come home.  I thought that meant for the night.  Instead, it meant forever.  It came out of nowhere and I was depressed for a year. He told me he was going to send a letter explaining it all.  The letter never came and I still don't know the reasons. I've learned that everything happens for a reason.

At the time I had been really close to his family and my now ex-husband and I had a lot of mutual friends. After a few months he had banned his family from talking to me because it reminded him of how pain he caused.  He had informed our mutual friends that they had to choose between keeping me as a friend or keeping him as a friend.  One of our best friends didn't want to decide so he chose to no longer communicate with either of us :(. I understand his decision as it's a tough place to be.  His best friend chose to stay friends with both of us although he had to keep is friendship from me a secret.   A friend who I've now known for 16 years would not choose. Unfortunately, that meant my ex-husband no longer wanted to be friends with him.  This was hard for me to understand as I'm a shy, quiet person who doesn't want any trouble.  Yes, I was sad but I didn't want to cause anyone pain.  This friend of mine stayed by my side through nights of crying.  He would talk to me for hours late at night when I couldn't sleep.  He saw me go from someone who never really "partied" to someone who wanted to be out all of the time to try and hide my pain.  He helped me find organizations to join when I said I wish there was a match.com for making friends.  Not once did he want anything else. To this day he's still someone I consider one of my best friends. He has proven, not only to me, but to all of his friends, that he is what one could call a true friend. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Welcome

Welcome to the ramblings of an extremely sensitive, quiet, mid 30's gal who is finally learning how to speak her mind.  This came about once I realized how much I have been stepped on and thrown around by not speaking up for myself. I've been great at standing up for others, but, after being thrown under a bus by a "close friend" who I have stuck up for quite a bit I recognized (far too late in life) that it was time to live for me and stop worrying so much about what other people think. 

I'm hoping this blog keeps me level headed and helps me express my joys, frustrations, and thoughts while pursuing this new journey in life.   More to come soon....